China is the Eric Cartman of Nations

Suck my Balls, Japan!

Posted by Vance Feld on April 23, 2015

Do you remember this episode of South Park? Here's the scene where Eric Cartman is laying out the plan to the gang to stage an elaborate funeral for their friend Kenny.

Cartman: So, that's why we need to build some islands in the South Pacific.

Kyle: So, you're telling me the world's largest dwarf theme park will raise enough money to hire strippers for the funeral? What do the islands have to do with it?

Cartman: Do I have to explain every little detail, Jew? The theme park operates at a loss. They're just to help us build giant penis-shaped building. The islands are used as temporary detention centers while we sort and process the dwarfs. We use boats for them, the runways are actually to smuggle in fake condoms via airplane to encourage the supply of dwarfs for the amusement park.

Kyle: Dude, wait what? What the hell is the penis building for?

Cartman: That's where we'll house the Tibetan Mastiffs, dumbass. And, we can make fake eggs and reprocess carcinogenic sewage into cooking oil. That's how we really make the money.

Kyle: Gross, dude.

Cartman: That and we'll take a bunch of kids and maim them and force them to beg for us.

Ok, maybe that last one is a bit far, even for Eric Cartman. Wait, there was that episode where Cartman murdered a kid's parents and cooked them into chili and forced him to eat his own parents... However, if a shrink were to psychoanalyze China and Cartman, you'd likely see the same delusions and psychopathy. China is more fucked up than you can imagine.

A desire for a mono-culture (think Cartman Hitler episode), extreme selfishness with no regard for other's well-being, comical schemes to make money, over-the-top displays of extravagance in poor taste. Having seen China up-close with my own eyes, the weird intersection of western idolatry of glamour and the ultra conservative drive for pure hegemonic power of the state is downright baffling. At least it was baffling, until I realized that China is actually the country form of Eric Cartman.

cartman with knife
Knife Wielding Attackers Kill 29
at China Train Station